I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
