just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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