I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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