Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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