hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
