Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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