Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
