My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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