he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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