Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
