I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
