on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
