I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
