I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
