i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
