I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
