Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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