hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
