Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
