My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
