were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
