I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just want nice things and good sex
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
