DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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