I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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