my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
