He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
