I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
