Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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