gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
sex in a hospital.. check
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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