If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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