yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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