my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
