Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
