He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We don't watch enough power rangers
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
FUCK WHALES
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
