when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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