sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
