I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
