I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
