So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He felt like a one man threesome
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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