Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
