watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
