Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
