A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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