i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
