I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
