sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
