Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
