i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
