No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
