I wish I could teleport
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
